Saturday, June 28, 2014

Something About Actually Living vs. Surviving

I've been doing a lot of attempting to...fix myself.  It's exhausting.  But I might actually be to a place of progress.  Before, it felt like maybe I was getting somewhere but as soon as those feelings started to creep up again, I'd find I was completely wrong and had lost control all over again, I was just "okay" for awhile. And then find myself in constant bouts of anxiety and a lot of time spent in bed.
I can't completely pinpoint when I started to feel more control over myself and my feelings and my general wellbeing but I can explain what it feels like now.
It feels like I can recognize the exact instances that will take me down, like the moment of recognition is the key to resisting the darkness.  I also feel like fully embracing the want or need to be happy is a notch on that key.  Part of me, in the past (and hopefully it stays in the past) has allowed the sorrow and pain of my life to be a place of comfort.  It's embarrassing to admit that sometimes I think I liked to be sad.  Not because I wanted attention, not because it actually felt good but because it initially was "easy", and also felt like a big part of the "me" that I thought I was.  What's kind of funny about saying it was a big part of the "me that I thought I knew", is that the way it feels now is as though she is foreign to me.  I think the separation of the girl who is depressed and the the real me is important in my steps to recovery.
What I experience now is a moment when I actually have a choice.  I actually have a good minute or so that I can decide where my emotions will take me. I can look back at that minute a week later and KNOW that had I not had the time to consciously decide to be healthy, that I would I would have been bed bound for days.
This is only the beginning but feeling I have control again is a massive step for me.
This post has no flow, but I'm going to be okay with that because...this is how my mind functions and I'm deciding to embrace it.

What I've learned and am learning in the last few months is to be kind to myself.  I've always heard you have to love yourself before you can fully love others and I'm finding there is a lot of truth to that. Since my last destructive relationship, I have found myself deeper inside myself than I knew possible.  I thought that while I was was with him I was at my worst but I think when I started to try to pull myself out, I experienced the deeper waters.  I went through, and am still going through, finding flaw upon flaw that I wanted to fix. Day after day, I kept adding to the pile until I was facing a mountain of hate for myself and the things that I had become.  Through some words of wisdom from friends and loved ones, I started to TRY to look at my positives but I can't say it helped a lot.  Until recently when what I did instead, was look at my problems in myself and figure out what about them I DO like.  I found it was easier to assess a big issue not by trying to STOP doing those things but to START doing them differently.  I am who I am.  There are going to be parts of me that don't jive with everyone nor myself sometimes but if I can modify my flaws into something I can be proud of and that others can enjoy, I can feel accomplished.

I'm learning to love myself and change my weaknesses into my strengths.  Those parts of me, after all, are my strongest, they're not to be suppressed, but modified and controlled.

The days aren't EASY.  I don't know that they ever will be.  Making the decision to WORK at being happier is hard...and it's a lot of work.  But it keeps me out of bed. It keeps me from crying my eyes out for days. Keeps me from alienating myself from my friends and lover because they won't understand.  It's a big step for me and I pray I can keep stepping this way.  I want a better Tina for the world. And more importantly for myself.

**edit** I just want to add that in embracing flaws, I've found that not everyone will be on your side.  Not everyone will be able to look at it like you do. They may try to emphasize that your flaws need to just go away. But hang on dear friend.  This is one of those things where you need to be on your side and you need to let that be enough.  You ARE enough, and it's ok to be on your own for this one.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My Band

We played our first show last night, at open mic night in my hometown.  It was fantastic, fun, nerve racking, drunk and quite the rush.  I can’t wait to do it again.  Besides just getting up there and playing, the after talk from the audience was great, we got a couple cards from people, a ton of requests for cd’s and questions about where our next show is going to be.

I couldn’t be happier, and it was far from our best performance.

This feels like the beginning to something great.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

From a Homeless Person

I haven't been writing because my job is nuts, and I'm kind of homeless at the moment. After some crazy shit on the home front, I moved out of my place and am currently crashing at The Man's sister's place, cause she's sweet and helpful and one of the only pleasant things I have right now.  Since then, The Man and I are fighting since it would seem I'm going to get stuck renting a place on my own for double the rent while he stays at his know cause he's not there yet and basically living with me is the second to last thing he wants to do. The first being moving back in with his parents. 

Anyways, why I'm here now.  I was a few feet from a major car accident this morning, a rollover, a big, possibly deadly car accident, it hasn't hit the Internet yet.  This accident in which if I had looked away for even a second, I would have been in... After this traumatizing event, all I could think about was my guy, and how I didn't say I love you back this morning because I'm upset about all this bs that's going on.  I called him and apologized and told him I love him and he talked me out of my shock.  What's next is the thought that I shouldn't be thinking about him after some crazy accident should I?  Shouldn't I be thinking about my family and crap? 

Can you ever be too in love?  I think I might be, and I think it's a bad thing...ya know cause I don't get it back and I'm basically alone while in a relationship...  That's probably extreme.  But I wish I was more selfish, I wish I thought about me more...but I don't and I get myself hurt and screwed and I'm the only one to blame.  If I could just grow some balls for myself, I wouldn't be in the place that I am...a homeless person...

Times are hard, I wish I could quit everything...maybe I should be the one to leave, pack up and just go.

Today sucks, this week sucks, the entire month of October has been a giant roller coaster...and to think we had such a great relationship early on this only to be covered by a giant black cloud of disappointment and realization.

I want to go home, but I don't have one, and either way, I am alone there too.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Finally It's Been a Year

So much has happened in the last few weeks!  Anniversary is Friday, I can't wait!  I've had the hardest time not giving the man his gifts. 

Some new development.  He's moving in with me. The man is moving in with me.  yikes.  I'm not freaking out necessarily, but there's definitely some "Holy crap this is happening" going on.  It's mostly situational which is okay, not ideal, but it's fine. And it's temporary at this point, but I suppose we'll see what happens.  Should be interesting but I welcome the change, for him and myself.  Things have been great anyways so hopefully it'll just make it better.

In other news. I've been trying to convince him to buy us an anniversary turtle. I don't see a problem with it... I wish I could find a picture but the idea is having a turtle to eat breakfast with. This is what I'm trying to persuade him with.

Think it'll work?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Up Nort' This Weekend.

We had a great time, saw some beautiful things, I can't wait for our Anniversary. YAY!

Betty's Pies

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Reading Material

I am SUPER in need of some good reading material.  Luckily TheBloggess is starting book #2 but I'd really like to read something before 2014 rolls around...jus' sayin'.

Weird fact about me, the happier I am, the less inclined I am to write...which totally sucks because then my blogs are ridiculously skewed from my real life.  According to this, I'm always stressed out and going through crazy emotions and pissed off at the world, etc.  But I assure you that's not really the case.  I can admit (right now anyways) I have some pretty kick ass stuff in my life.  It's great when it's good.  Some people don't have that, and I wish I could hang onto that feeling more often.  Content for what I have, and who I have... But it often slips away as I fall into my hole every so often, but at least I can still find it sometimes.  When I do find it, I have weeks and months where I am annoyingly appreciative with what I have.  "I'm so happy to have you." messages, "I think you're fantastic." emails and I get super stupid cuddly.  He deals with it though.

Point is, I'm happy right now, it's great, and should be inspiring but for some reason, all my writing energy goes into keeping me happy I guess.
Headed up north this weekend, hopefully I'll have some stories and pictures to share.  I'll just set it up here, last year during this same trip, The Man's fam and I came up with "Science Infection"  and "Penis Butter"...yummmm.  Lets not forget the "Anal Jamboree" either.

I will actually explain this quick.  When/if you go camping, or end up at an RV park, look at the names of the RVs...then put "Anal" in front and there you have it - the Anal Jamboree, Anal Cougar, Anal Bounder.

Oh my god I found it right away!
Enjoy ;)

Monday, September 17, 2012

First Anniversary

I'd love some help here.  My first anniversary is coming up in October.  We're just dating sure, but I want this to be special for both of us.  I need some ideas!

My first is one I found online, I think I'm going to make a little box or Jar with 50 reasons I love you.
I'm hoping this won't be too much but I plan to fill it with pretty paper with written things, pictures, mementos from the last year together and such like that.

Other than that, I'd like to a cool event kind of thing.  I know we're going to dinner in the city but I'm not sure where to go from there.  Any input would be awesome.  I'm generally pretty creative buy I'm having a hard time on this one.

Thanks!  Have a beautiful day!