Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My Band


We played our first show last night, at open mic night in my hometown.  It was fantastic, fun, nerve racking, drunk and quite the rush.  I can’t wait to do it again.  Besides just getting up there and playing, the after talk from the audience was great, we got a couple cards from people, a ton of requests for cd’s and questions about where our next show is going to be.

I couldn’t be happier, and it was far from our best performance.


This feels like the beginning to something great.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

From a Homeless Person

I haven't been writing because my job is nuts, and I'm kind of homeless at the moment. After some crazy shit on the home front, I moved out of my place and am currently crashing at The Man's sister's place, cause she's sweet and helpful and one of the only pleasant things I have right now.  Since then, The Man and I are fighting since it would seem I'm going to get stuck renting a place on my own for double the rent while he stays at his sisters...you know cause he's not there yet and basically living with me is the second to last thing he wants to do. The first being moving back in with his parents. 

Anyways, why I'm here now.  I was a few feet from a major car accident this morning, a rollover, a big, possibly deadly car accident, it hasn't hit the Internet yet.  This accident in which if I had looked away for even a second, I would have been in... After this traumatizing event, all I could think about was my guy, and how I didn't say I love you back this morning because I'm upset about all this bs that's going on.  I called him and apologized and told him I love him and he talked me out of my shock.  What's next is the thought that I shouldn't be thinking about him after some crazy accident should I?  Shouldn't I be thinking about my family and crap? 

Can you ever be too in love?  I think I might be, and I think it's a bad thing...ya know cause I don't get it back and I'm basically alone while in a relationship...  That's probably extreme.  But I wish I was more selfish, I wish I thought about me more...but I don't and I get myself hurt and screwed and I'm the only one to blame.  If I could just grow some balls for myself, I wouldn't be in the place that I am...a homeless person...

Times are hard, I wish I could quit everything...maybe I should be the one to leave, pack up and just go.

Today sucks, this week sucks, the entire month of October has been a giant roller coaster...and to think we had such a great relationship early on this month...now only to be covered by a giant black cloud of disappointment and realization.

I want to go home, but I don't have one, and either way, I am alone there too.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Finally It's Been a Year

So much has happened in the last few weeks!  Anniversary is Friday, I can't wait!  I've had the hardest time not giving the man his gifts. 

Some new development.  He's moving in with me. The man is moving in with me.  yikes.  I'm not freaking out necessarily, but there's definitely some "Holy crap this is happening" going on.  It's mostly situational which is okay, not ideal, but it's fine. And it's temporary at this point, but I suppose we'll see what happens.  Should be interesting but I welcome the change, for him and myself.  Things have been great anyways so hopefully it'll just make it better.

In other news. I've been trying to convince him to buy us an anniversary turtle. I don't see a problem with it... I wish I could find a picture but the idea is having a turtle to eat breakfast with. This is what I'm trying to persuade him with.



Think it'll work?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Up Nort' This Weekend.

We had a great time, saw some beautiful things, I can't wait for our Anniversary. YAY!

Betty's Pies



Thursday, September 20, 2012

Reading Material

I am SUPER in need of some good reading material.  Luckily TheBloggess is starting book #2 but I'd really like to read something before 2014 rolls around...jus' sayin'.

Weird fact about me, the happier I am, the less inclined I am to write...which totally sucks because then my blogs are ridiculously skewed from my real life.  According to this, I'm always stressed out and going through crazy emotions and pissed off at the world, etc.  But I assure you that's not really the case.  I can admit (right now anyways) I have some pretty kick ass stuff in my life.  It's great when it's good.  Some people don't have that, and I wish I could hang onto that feeling more often.  Content for what I have, and who I have... But it often slips away as I fall into my hole every so often, but at least I can still find it sometimes.  When I do find it, I have weeks and months where I am annoyingly appreciative with what I have.  "I'm so happy to have you." messages, "I think you're fantastic." emails and I get super stupid cuddly.  He deals with it though.

Point is, I'm happy right now, it's great, and should be inspiring but for some reason, all my writing energy goes into keeping me happy I guess.
_______
Headed up north this weekend, hopefully I'll have some stories and pictures to share.  I'll just set it up here, last year during this same trip, The Man's fam and I came up with "Science Infection"  and "Penis Butter"...yummmm.  Lets not forget the "Anal Jamboree" either.

I will actually explain this quick.  When/if you go camping, or end up at an RV park, look at the names of the RVs...then put "Anal" in front and there you have it - the Anal Jamboree, Anal Cougar, Anal Bounder.

Oh my god I found it right away!
 
Enjoy ;)

Monday, September 17, 2012

First Anniversary

I'd love some help here.  My first anniversary is coming up in October.  We're just dating sure, but I want this to be special for both of us.  I need some ideas!

My first is one I found online, I think I'm going to make a little box or Jar with 50 reasons I love you.
I'm hoping this won't be too much but I plan to fill it with pretty paper with written things, pictures, mementos from the last year together and such like that.

Other than that, I'd like to a cool event kind of thing.  I know we're going to dinner in the city but I'm not sure where to go from there.  Any input would be awesome.  I'm generally pretty creative buy I'm having a hard time on this one.

Thanks!  Have a beautiful day!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

What I've Been Up To.

Getting creeped on during our disc gold double date.

Drives at sundown - last night, blew me away.

Part of our harvest

Another small part of harvest

Dungeons and Dragons! - Projector hung from the ceiling, my boyfriend is THE ultimate dork.
 
 


Monday, September 10, 2012

This Time Last Year...

I absolutely love having a blog to look back to especially this year when I was going through some of the most epic events of my life right around now last year.  I like to go check my private blog and pull up today’s date in 2011, see what was going on, what I was bitching about, what I was struggling through.  It’s like reading a brand new blog though, even thought it was my life, I’m so different now, still just as bitchy probably but my speech is different and the issues I was pushing through are so unfamiliar now.  NOT when I reach February though, let me tell you, I’ve basically looped around back to February right now.  More on that…probably in February.

This time last year I had moved out of the house I own with my ex fiancĂ© (who I just saw for an unpleasant minute this weekend) and in with my sister as a temporary fix. At this point in September I was beginning to pay my mortgage AND rent because our renters at the house (and used to be friends) screwed me over.  Crazy to think I have nothing to do with them now when we were supposed to be in each other’s weddings. But that’s life, people come and go. 

This time last year I had no idea what to do about this guy I met, I was crazy about him but he had no idea what he wanted.  Understandably considering I was just engaged two months ago.

This time last year my best friend who I’ve known since 6th grade broke up with me.  Mostly out of the blue she wasn’t herself and we ended our friendship for reasons I didn’t (and still to this day don’t understand). I’m happy to say she is back in my life now, though things are different and I doubt our ability to fully restore the friendship we had.

This time last year I felt empowered, happy to be free from the stresses brought on by my past relationship.  I was happy with myself, something I wish could have lasted longer than it did.

This time last year I started to fall harder for my guy. I might be getting attached, I can't really tell. Some days I feel like everything is perfect just the way it is. "Friends" who hang out an awful lot and...well you know, hang out... I've been great with it. I don't have to worry about him, I can still focus on me, still go out with other people, but still care about him, do nice things for him, enjoy our alone time, all without having any big worries or expectations. I didn't think it would work like that for me. But some days it doesn't.”

But he still had no idea what he wanted, unfortunately that hasn’t really changed a whole lot.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Just Something to Make Your Day Better.

Two just really funny groups of things. Worth it. Promise. If this doesn't make you want to look, nothing will.
 
 


No Joke that's all I have.  It's Friday and I'd love to go home. :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Not The Place For Me

Well, I might start looking for a new job...already.  It's been four months but there is just some stuff going on here I don't understand.  Like in a "How do you run a business like this?" kind of way.  I haven't learned crap since I started and that is just not acceptable in the banking world.  Decisions, decisions.

Good things though, getting my hairs did tonight.  Thank the lord, I'm almost blonde again. EEK.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Bacon

This is from last month but I never got around to posting it. My man accessory’s birthday was last month and this is what I made him. 

Bacon Candy
 Maple Bacon Long john
Hazelnut Bacon Cupcakes (don't compare, mine look like crap)
 
If you're into bacon at all...go here for recipes.  Yum
 
On top of that, I got him the dorkiest gifts I could find.  Dungeons and Dragons figurines, and a way overpriced (collector’s item style) disc golf disc, plus I took him to a Beirut concert, which was just…awesome.
 
If you're wondering why bacon?
 
 
 
 
This is why.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Conversations With Erik

An email from my roommate/bestie that I got this morning that cheered me up some.  Unfortunately it'll apparently take more than great friends to fix this thing I'm in.  But I'm so very glad I have him.

Hey, look at me! Being all businessy, sending an email.

And you know what I just did?

I just made you a paint picture based off of that starting sentence. Note that I did not finish until the paint picture was done. I'm not brushed up on how to use Paint (if you catch my meaning). I don't know if I'm cut out for this kind of work, as the painting itself is sheer crop, it certainly wouldn't place in the free-form selection.

K, no more bad paint puns.

I hope you have a good day!
I also hope you have a coworker as cool as Businessy.
 
And the paint picture you ask?  Titled "The Accounts Are all Loched Up."
 

Friday, August 31, 2012

That Back Thing I Have.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve mentioned my back.  The one with scoliosis in it, which also happens to be the only one I have.  Well it’s still there.  Obviously.  And I can’t say it’s just better but it’s different.  I guess with scoliosis, sometimes you could say different is better because wherever you were hurting before finally gets a break for a while.  That’s not to say the pain/annoyance is gone, it’s just a little less sharp and wherever it moved to is distracting enough to feel a sense of (fake) relief.  Just so you know where my knots are, I made you a pretty accurate picture of their general whereabouts. 


P.s. I'm not nakie, I have shoes on see.
 

So, this "different" thing sounds good right?  Well not really, it brings about some concern for me.  I’m 24 now and the pain is moving around into really weird places.  I used to have insanely tight neck/shoulder muscles, and while I still do (especially compared to most *normal* people, my main issue is now in my hips/glutes.  Also known as my ass.  I have no idea why that’s a thing now, I’m not doing a whole lot different than I used to so I’m thinking something is pinched lower down or something of the like.  Either way, it’s a pain in the ass (that was absolutely pathetic, I’ll call myself out on it) and even with the help of my awesome massage therapist friend, it’s a constant struggle.  I’ll have some mild relief for a few days after a massage but there are so many knots in there you guys.  Every masseuse I’ve gone to has done the whole “Oh wow, there’s at least 15 knots on each side.” thing and these guys see a lot of stuff ya know? A lot of messed up people, but like… now I’m one of them.  Eek.  My man accessory attempts to work some out but to be quite frank, he’s like a monster when it comes to massages(now, though he used to be all romancey about it).  He didn’t used to be so hardcore about it but now he sees my back as a challenge in which he has to go “balls to the wall” and put in all his strength which (well he’s twice my size) is a lot of man muscle.  I just can’t handle it anymore, last “session” I told him I feel like he’s taking his anger out on me.  So here, this is basically what he looks like (I assume, cause my face is normally in a pillow) when he whales on massages me.

 This looks like he's a tiny man-demon. He is not, I am a tiny girl and he is a real tall big-muscle human man. Promise.

I should really put this guy through massage school.  For him, not me, really…for him.

I Normally Love Fridays

But work is totally screwing me today and I'm not a fan of being screwed.  Not really.  At least I'm wearing a dress today, that always helps, just a little bit.  Also, I have a ton of drinks planned this evening, even if I didn't I'm sure it'd end up in the plan regardless.  Beer always helps when I'm pissed off.  Doesn't that mean I should have a beer at work?  Cause it'd probably improve my performance.  Jus' sayin'.  I should drink at work, it's for the best...for the company...

Happy month end to anyone in the financial world, hopefully some of your co-workers showed up at work today, cause that always helps.

So what will I be drinking tonight?
This. For Sure.

Tilburgs Dutch Brown Ale.
 
It's just so damn good.  If you're a beer drinker, light or dark, you have to try it.
Click on it to see the illustration, slightly disturbing but kinda cool?
 
On another note, I'm doing disc golfing tonight, before going to punch pizza for the above mentioned drinks. The boyfriend wants to go to CG but I made him a map of why I don't want to go to CG and why it makes more sense to go to Kaposia.
Makes sense right?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Accordion, My Love.

This is my new lover.  Dorky maybe, I know but she's my favorite.  I have yet to name her.  Let me know if you have ideas, it's gotta be a good one though.
 
It's quite strange how you can actually develop such attachments to instruments.  But it totally just happened.
 
We had a kick ass practice last night.  I Wrote and recorded my first accordion part and I haven't even had it for a week/barely know how to play it yet. It sounds awesome and gives me warm fuzzies!
Now I want these, cause they're white and would go beautifully with my new bay bay.
And an outfit like this:
I'll get there...;)
 
 


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dragon...


My co-worker emailed me “Dude, the day is draggin’. “

So….I made her this.

 

Could This Be The Light?


Recap: I’ve had a very unfortunate chain of events occur over the past week or so, a never ending shit show of crap being thrown at me.  BUT it might finally be coming closer to an end (though I don't have proof of that, I just feel more optimistic)

I decided to make a list because it’s almost impressive.  Sorry I’ve been whiney this last week and a half but I swear, it’s all valid.

Friday - Boyfriend does a very douchie thing, that makes me question whether I’m getting what I want out of my relationship. And I want babies.

Saturday – Douchie thing continues to affect my mood/relationship/state of mind, so a big fight occurs. But I want babies.

Sunday – Avoid boyfriend. And I want babies.

Monday – Continue to avoid boyfriend, he doesn’t really notice. Nothing makes me feel better, but I still want a baby…

Tuesday – Ok day, nothing too eventful except I am obligated to see boyfriend at band practice despite the fact that I don’t want to. Plus, insert end of Tuesday.

Wednesday – 12:00am -I decide to make myself feel better and buy a new phone 5:30pm – Break said phone by slamming it into my trunk (somehow). 8:00pm – cry a bunch because I have to spend the same to replace it despite paying $700 on insurance over the last 7 years (damn you T-Mobile) 9:30 pm – Talk to boyfriend, argue with boyfriend, Feel like I got nowhere with him, go to bed upset.

Thursday – Schedule massage for after work,  then a good thing – I buy a piano accordion from my teacher.  The coolest and debatably the only good thing that happened this week. Go to said massage, now I have bruises and he did NOTHING I asked him to even though I’ve gone to him 5 or 6 times before. Went to boyfriend’s house, balled my eyes out and had a few beers…to numb the week.

Friday – New phone is supposed to arrive after work. Boyfriend is going on terribly timed “boys only” yacht trip even though any other day of the week, I’m “one of the guys” and treated as such. Go home, phone isn’t there, someone decided to ship it to Minneapolis.  Call UPS to get the address changed, won’t get phone till Monday. Cry a little, get bloody nose.  Go out drinking with friends, get bloody nose #2 that lasts over an hour.

Saturday – Wake up light headed, sick to stomach, with a headache in my eyebrows from blood loss… eat food, take nap, go to the casino lose $60 (what was I thinking?)…get bloody nose #3, go home.

Sunday – Wake up with a cold, boyfriend things are finally bettering themselves (I guess he did listen), okay day other than being sick.

Monday – Take the day off cause I’m sick, get stuck babysitting boyfriend’s nephews, check status of new phone, they sent it to Minneapolis anyways (damn you UPS), won’t get phone till Tuesday, okay day other than that, go to bed, get bloody nose #4.

So basically, I need go to the doctor.  Or just sleep for a few weeks till everything blows over.  Things are better(ish) though, at least the man and I are settling back to our usual selves.  That is key.  I have hopes everything will start to improve starting...now. 

Also so many things from the garden!  Yay.
 
And here. I just love this comic.

And this. Is so weird.
 

 

Friday, August 24, 2012

A Little Bit of Paint

Something I worked on today for one of our lenders here at the bank.
It's Friday...this is what I do on Fridays.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Week I've Been Having

So this is what happens to me when I'm having a terribly bad week.

I bought this at noon yesterday.  Smashed it at 5:30.  Then payed just as much as I spent to replace it.  Awesome.  Yeesh, I just need a little sunshine in my life right now but it's not coming.

So,  I decided I'm going out of town this weekend tomorrow after work.  I don't really care where or even if anyone comes with me, I need to get away.  Get out of this slump I'm in.  I need to think some things over.  Maybe I'll make it a disc golf trip weekend by myself, I'd be completely okay with that.  Some peace and quite, some thinking time, some ukulele playing in an attempt to mend my own soul.  That sounds nice.  Some of the first nice I've felt all week and it hasn't even happened. I need to find my old smiley self, I miss her.

To try and lighten the mood, here.

And here.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I Can't Believe I'm Posting This


Ok, here it goes.  I need some opinions or just some sort of input.  Not like the Internet is necessarily the most ideal place to make myself feel reasonable but I need something and I just can’t talk to people about this in person.  It even freaks me out.

 
What are your thoughts on sperm donors? “ My god she’s crazy!”  I know. 

This is something that came up for me last year in December after an incident I can’t bring myself to write about here.  It was a serious thought then, and possibly an even more serious thought now. 

 Funny thing though, on Modamily, the first thing on the front page is “Single? Want Baby?” And I’m all “YES!” but then I’m like…”Oh, wait, I’m totally not single…”  I mean I’m not married either but still.  So just what do you do when the guy you’re with just doesn’t want it right now?  I guess the answer is wait, I know, but I don’t know if I can (long story). 

 So what then?  It is insane?  Is it something you just don’t do when you’re in a relationship?  I talked about it with him last year when I was going through some things.  Mainly the conversation went like this

“Would you still date me if I was carrying a baby from some unknown dude?” 

“Well, it’d be weird, people would think it was weird, and things would change cause instead of hanging out, you’d be doing mother things a lot.”

 An odd but valid argument, simply proving to me how much he really isn’t ready for, and completely doesn’t want kids right now.

Ok fine but I still want to spend my life with him, he just doesn’t want the responsibility of a kid, I get it…so what if it’s just mine?

 But then I took it a step further and was all “Well what if I pay you and we work up a contract so you don’t have to be responsible for anything unless you want to be and you can be the “unknown dude”, and honestly fella, I mean it.”

And he thought about it, but decided he didn’t want to be that shitty guy that dips out on responsibilities and has a kid running around somewhere that he isn’t caring for.  I get it but it was worth a shot.

 Mmh.  Never though I’d be this honest on here.  Feels good though.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Distract Me. Edit: Numb Dumb and Bummed...

I'm having the hardest time not thinking about the bullshit that's going on right now.  I'm super stressed out but don't want to be.  I need a cheer-me-up, like ice cream or something chock-full of calories and sugar. Yumm.  Someone bring me some chocolate. 
Man, I'm girly this morning.  Moody as all hell, cravings for sweets, I'd even call myself a little bitchy today.  But I have every right to be.  Everything is falling apart, my yearning for babies is becoming an overpowering issue - enough that I'm now having mind-rattling dreams about the children I've had with boyfriends from my past, now isn't that pleasant?  If that's not fucked, I don't know what is.

I hate brain today.  I almost didn't get out of bed to go to work, I just feel so numb, dumb and bummed. (I'm so changing the blog title now.)

Soooo,
I will instead bore you and myself with details on things that are distracting enough to keep my mind from all the poop that's happening.

This... 

is a picture of my very very good friend Taryn with Jenny Lawson of TheBloggess.com ! She is outstanding, even more so than I had thought possible.  I might love her, I probably do, and we've only met once.  She is someone to look up to, someone to be proud to relate to, someone to admire more than most that I know.  I'm so glad I got to meet her, truly a humbling experience. <3

Subject change:

I have another ukulele lesson today.  Music theory lesson is more like it.  I apparently don't know shit!  I'm actually somewhat of intimidated to go.  I have this kid teaching me things I apparently should already know.  I got a nice "I thought you said you knew music" last time.  Well yeah buddy, I played clarinet for 7 years, in high school, that should tell you right there that I didn't actually pay attention.  Though I regret it now.  I'm attempting to learn this chord stuff and what on earth is E minor diminished and why does it sound like crap, and what is the I IV and V chord of an Eb major scale.  My god I have no clue.  But I'm trying.  Clarinet was super easy, put your next finger down - k that's the next note on the scale, good job (me thinking "Man I'm good at this and I'm not even trying") that's all you need to know.  Learning is good though, I just wish this kid didn't make me feel like such a dumb ass.  Thanks kid.
Meanwhile, my concertina (accordion) teacher keeps telling me I'm gifted and moving along faster than most.  So what, do I have music smarts or don't I?  I guess we'll find out.
Which reminds me I need to learn how to breathe.  I used to be fine but now (maybe cause everything sucks, yes lets blame that) I just can't get enough air to hold out my notes for recording.  It's beyond frustrating cause I can do it when I'm not recording but I tense up or something and just breathe totally wrong.  I don't understand it.

Next on the list - Voice lessons. There's another 30 bucks a week to add to my already expensive classes.

Ok, now here: Link This is something that cheers me up for a few seconds every day or so. Hope it does the same for you. And here is a picture from happier times, oh how I want those times back.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Revealing


Here’s just a couple things that has been going on with me.  I can’t keep it in right now, I’m too stressed out but I’ll start with some good things.

First off, I’m really into D&D.  Judge me if you will.  I’m a nerd like none other but it’s one of those things that’s unlike anything else and is a fantastic waste of time. I’m currently involved in two campaigns.  One that’s starting now and one that’s continued from last winter.  This reminds me I have a post from priva-blog that makes me laugh.  Remind me to post that.  Anyways, I have already spent probably around 6 hours (possibly considerably more now that I think about it) trying to create my character for my upcoming campaign, and that’s just plain ridiculous.  Am I going to stop spending lots of time doing this?  Hell no, worth it.  Just a little crazy when I look at it in terms of other things I could have been doing, things that would advance my life goals and such like that.  But I have to look at it as improving my quality of life in terms of fun times (definitely not health considering how much drinking and lack of sleep goes on).  I guess I think that’s okay, and it’s friend bonding time and improves your creativity.  So there, I have justified wasting hours and hours of my time.  Good enough for me.

On a note that is productive, and also a reason I don’t feel so bad about D&D time, I have taken up the Ukulele and Concertina Accordion.  I mentioned this before I believe, but they ended up both happening at the same time. I’m okay with that.  Tuesdays I have Uke lessons at Schmitt music in Edina on lunch break, with a guy who is quite possibly younger than me.  Then Thursdays on lunch I drive to Burnsville to take lessons with the sweetest old lady - Helmi, who teaches Accordion.  She is also going to hook me up with a small piano accordion for cheap, hopefully this week.  This I’m excited about.  I’m learning a lot and the self-entertainment and satisfaction of playing a song is fantastic.  I’m thoroughly enjoying myself and though I’m spending a lot of money, it is worth it (again).  Thus me also justifying dropping a couple hundred for what others might see as a non-beneficial activity.

Lastly and the one negative thing I will write about today is the fact that I’m absolutely baby crazy right now.  I always am (really…) but it’s pretty bad right now.  Luckily my guy doesn’t read this so I can mention it here instead of being a grown up and talking to him about it (granted I have before and learned my lesson). I’m not really sure what to do right now. No matter what, I know I can’t have what I want, not for years anyways but that’s not stopping me from hoping I can.  I’m crossing my fingers like a mo-fo this is the month.  I cross those fingers every month, but this one is different.  Okay, so this is where you tell me I’m nutso, and I need to wait, and I’m not married, and it’s wrong if he doesn’t want it now.  Well trust me I know, but that doesn’t mean my feelings about it have suddenly changed.  I honestly have very little control over them.  I’ve hoped and prayed that I could be a normal girl and go through the normal motions of a relationship and that he wouldn’t have to deal with this stuff because it is irrational, I know.  But, that doesn’t make it just happen.  Some months it’s better than others but the theme is that it’s always there, no matter what.  And occasionally it comes out in the strongest of emotions that I wish would go away yet at the same time, I wish I could just get what I want.  I guess this is selfish of me, and though I’m not a selfish person on a daily level (I can say this because it’s realistically kind of bad for me), being that this is such a big thing, I suppose I am being very selfish.  I want it, despite the fact that he thinks it would ruin his life if it happened right now.  And I care about him so much but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it more, just for myself.  I think the reason for that is I have convinced myself it would be okay if he left me if it happened.  Because I want it so much.  My god that’s fucked up.  And maybe I don’t feel like that so much anymore (this is something I told him last December, when we had a flub-ub I don’t tell anyone about) because my love for him has grown from the scary-powerful thing it was even in the beginning.  But when I’m in I-need-babies mode, I definitely consider it. “It’d probably be fine if he left, I’d have a part of him forever anyways.”  But that thought, if I had a shrink, I’m sure would be frowned upon. 

So now I’m guessing you’re thinking that I’ve been trying and doing that crazy girl thing where they plan “accidents” but no.  God no, I would never be able to live with myself if I had a hand in it.  Then none of this would be okay, (is it even now?) but I don’t see why just hoping is such a big problem.  I think that’s okay.  But what I think might be very very wrong.

I went into way more detail than I expected for this blog that humans can actually read but I need to get it out, even if no one reads it.  I feel like I’ve been hiding it since last December, mostly because I can’t talk to him about it.  So it feels good to share it, even if it means nothing to you, and has the possibility of accessing people I don’t want to know this much about me. But I’m sick of hiding, so there.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I Thought I had Posted This.

This is slightly irrelevent now that it's...August. oops  but this is from my other blog (privablog) that I had wanted to transfer.

It's the Little Things

An email I sent to Daniel today regarding what to get me for christmas: Makes me smile.

Mmm Christmas…Really, I’m having a hard time with this, normally I’d be able to think of something I’d want but It’s super difficult. I don’t want things really. The only thing I can really think about that I’d thoroughly enjoy is bazaar I guess, but I’m a bazaar kind of girl. Is there any way you could get the house to yourself for an evening…not all night obviously, people live there… But I’m picturing this:



(look closely) Plus

(starry eyed as usual) Plus

Plus

Plus

I mean



Then you know…see where the night goes……………………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………



(this is a bed by the way)


Basically imagine the corniest chick flick ever produced…
Every once in awhile I can be really girly but hey, everyone needs a little romance in their life right?

Let me know what you think, I know I’m a little nuts. J

Tina

Because I'm So Happy and Have Little to Complain About...

It's been a bit and I don't often have much to say when my head is in the clouds. :)  Which is good.  But I have a few treats for you because I'm in such a good mood.
A graph of my work day on Tuesday

And my plan for Wednesday (didn't work out obviously)

Someone added Briteny Spears to my Pandora...not okay (swear it wasn't me...really I swear...)


I'm going to start a thing where I bring my Ukulele (btw I started playing the ukulele) in on Fridays to play for everyone to cheer them up and get them motivated (or really unmotivated cause that's what Friday's are for).  This is the flyer I made.

This looks normal right?  I totally attended a twins game with my co-workers, no I don't have a torso in real life and yes my legs are that short, but sexy i must say.  All the while, I was also at a River Falls Days Parade with my wonderful man item and a few of my friends...impressive I know.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My Heart Goes Out to a Friend


My friend was broken up with over the weekend, they had been a close friend-couple that we hung out with and I thoroughly enjoyed them.  They met around the same time as my Daniel and I and we’ve been on this same adventure together, I suppose you could say.  I’d seen how their relationship started, how in love he was with her (much like myself with mine) in the beginning.  I honestly don’t know what happened but I feel the struggle she’s going through.  It pulls on my heart because I know.  Not to say I’ve been in her exact situation but to not be loved back by someone, is something I have experienced and never want to again.  I hope she is okay, I hope she can pull through and maybe someday get some answers.  She deserves that.



I’m not completely sure why it’s hitting home so hard for me.  I teared up this morning thinking of her, crying alone at home just wanting him to be there and be okay.  I’m guessing it’s because I’ve experienced the darkness, the feeling of no hope and just wanting the pain to go away but knowing there’s no light for a long time.  It’s a familiar feeling. But more than that, it reminds me how much heartbreak can fuck you up.  To be honest, it scares the shit out of me to remember those emotions, because I forgot how absolutely horrible and terrifying they can be.  I’m not necessarily worried that I will go through that again anytime soon, but remembering that it’s possible, when I’m this far in, when I’m this in love.  I don’t know if “pulling through” would be that possible for me. 



I’m trying to shake my head of the thought, there’s nothing I can do but hope my friend will be okay.  And hope that she can have hope.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Mid-Summer

I’ve just had one of THE best weekends.  I’m a happy lady!

Filled with foxes, turtles, snakes, disc golf, MUSIC, lots of cool people and a wonderful boyfriend.  I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.



I am thankful for who and what I have in my life.  I don’t want it to change.

<3

Friday, June 1, 2012

Here Comes The Sun do do do dooo

I feel dumb for having such short posts and so few and far between but I just need to put it on here.  I'm so ridiculously happy and this time I think it's for solid, logical, real reasons.  I feel like everything has completely changed for the better.  And considering I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow, it couldn't have come at a better time.  Confirmation that I made the right choice being where I am today.  Like everything is falling into place despite the terribly hard time I've had in the last few months.

*Crossing fingers it lasts*

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

June 2nd 2012, Just Another Weekend Now


I just remembered I was supposed to get married this weekend.  And now my brain kind of hurts.


But I should be okay, I know I’d be miserable but it’s still one of the weirdest feelings I’ve ever experienced.  But I’m trying to focus on the good things I have going for me right now.  That’s a must.

Friday, May 25, 2012

My Special Family

Okay, to start off, I got this email from my step mom at work today.  At first I didn’t even think about it being at all strange because that’s just how I was raised but then I remembered a quote from my father at dinner the other night “Tina, did I tell you about the steam roller I bought?  It weighs 3,000 pounds!  I got it just to kill moles!” and I realized how truly hickish my family is.  Let me explain that he had that “kid going to Disneyland for the first time” look on his face.  It was kind of priceless.  I forget sometimes that these sort of things might not be an everyday normality for other people.  But I embrace it.  I have some damn good stories, mostly I owe my father for all of them.
<3