From a Homeless Person

I haven't been writing because my job is nuts, and I'm kind of homeless at the moment. After some crazy shit on the home front, I moved out of my place and am currently crashing at The Man's sister's place, cause she's sweet and helpful and one of the only pleasant things I have right now.  Since then, The Man and I are fighting since it would seem I'm going to get stuck renting a place on my own for double the rent while he stays at his sisters...you know cause he's not there yet and basically living with me is the second to last thing he wants to do. The first being moving back in with his parents. 

Anyways, why I'm here now.  I was a few feet from a major car accident this morning, a rollover, a big, possibly deadly car accident, it hasn't hit the Internet yet.  This accident in which if I had looked away for even a second, I would have been in... After this traumatizing event, all I could think about was my guy, and how I didn't say I love you back this morning because I'm upset about all this bs that's going on.  I called him and apologized and told him I love him and he talked me out of my shock.  What's next is the thought that I shouldn't be thinking about him after some crazy accident should I?  Shouldn't I be thinking about my family and crap? 

Can you ever be too in love?  I think I might be, and I think it's a bad thing...ya know cause I don't get it back and I'm basically alone while in a relationship...  That's probably extreme.  But I wish I was more selfish, I wish I thought about me more...but I don't and I get myself hurt and screwed and I'm the only one to blame.  If I could just grow some balls for myself, I wouldn't be in the place that I am...a homeless person...

Times are hard, I wish I could quit everything...maybe I should be the one to leave, pack up and just go.

Today sucks, this week sucks, the entire month of October has been a giant roller coaster...and to think we had such a great relationship early on this month...now only to be covered by a giant black cloud of disappointment and realization.

I want to go home, but I don't have one, and either way, I am alone there too.

Could This Be The Light?

Recap: I’ve had a very unfortunate chain of events occur over the past week or so, a never ending shit show of crap being thrown at me.  BUT it might finally be coming closer to an end (though I don't have proof of that, I just feel more optimistic)

I decided to make a list because it’s almost impressive.  Sorry I’ve been whiney this last week and a half but I swear, it’s all valid.

Friday - Boyfriend does a very douchie thing, that makes me question whether I’m getting what I want out of my relationship. And I want babies.

Saturday – Douchie thing continues to affect my mood/relationship/state of mind, so a big fight occurs. But I want babies.

Sunday – Avoid boyfriend. And I want babies.

Monday – Continue to avoid boyfriend, he doesn’t really notice. Nothing makes me feel better, but I still want a baby…

Tuesday – Ok day, nothing too eventful except I am obligated to see boyfriend at band practice despite the fact that I don’t want to. Plus, insert end of Tuesday.

Wednesday – 12:00am -I decide to make myself feel better and buy a new phone 5:30pm – Break said phone by slamming it into my trunk (somehow). 8:00pm – cry a bunch because I have to spend the same to replace it despite paying $700 on insurance over the last 7 years (damn you T-Mobile) 9:30 pm – Talk to boyfriend, argue with boyfriend, Feel like I got nowhere with him, go to bed upset.

Thursday – Schedule massage for after work,  then a good thing – I buy a piano accordion from my teacher.  The coolest and debatably the only good thing that happened this week. Go to said massage, now I have bruises and he did NOTHING I asked him to even though I’ve gone to him 5 or 6 times before. Went to boyfriend’s house, balled my eyes out and had a few beers…to numb the week.

Friday – New phone is supposed to arrive after work. Boyfriend is going on terribly timed “boys only” yacht trip even though any other day of the week, I’m “one of the guys” and treated as such. Go home, phone isn’t there, someone decided to ship it to Minneapolis.  Call UPS to get the address changed, won’t get phone till Monday. Cry a little, get bloody nose.  Go out drinking with friends, get bloody nose #2 that lasts over an hour.

Saturday – Wake up light headed, sick to stomach, with a headache in my eyebrows from blood loss… eat food, take nap, go to the casino lose $60 (what was I thinking?)…get bloody nose #3, go home.

Sunday – Wake up with a cold, boyfriend things are finally bettering themselves (I guess he did listen), okay day other than being sick.

Monday – Take the day off cause I’m sick, get stuck babysitting boyfriend’s nephews, check status of new phone, they sent it to Minneapolis anyways (damn you UPS), won’t get phone till Tuesday, okay day other than that, go to bed, get bloody nose #4.

So basically, I need go to the doctor.  Or just sleep for a few weeks till everything blows over.  Things are better(ish) though, at least the man and I are settling back to our usual selves.  That is key.  I have hopes everything will start to improve starting...now. 

Also so many things from the garden!  Yay.
 

And here. I just love this comic.

And this. Is so weird.
 

 

The Week I've Been Having

So this is what happens to me when I'm having a terribly bad week.

I bought this at noon yesterday.  Smashed it at 5:30.  Then payed just as much as I spent to replace it.  Awesome.  Yeesh, I just need a little sunshine in my life right now but it's not coming.

So,  I decided I'm going out of town this weekend tomorrow after work.  I don't really care where or even if anyone comes with me, I need to get away.  Get out of this slump I'm in.  I need to think some things over.  Maybe I'll make it a disc golf trip weekend by myself, I'd be completely okay with that.  Some peace and quite, some thinking time, some ukulele playing in an attempt to mend my own soul.  That sounds nice.  Some of the first nice I've felt all week and it hasn't even happened. I need to find my old smiley self, I miss her.

To try and lighten the mood, here.

And here.

I Can't Believe I'm Posting This

Ok, here it goes.  I need some opinions or just some sort of input.  Not like the Internet is necessarily the most ideal place to make myself feel reasonable but I need something and I just can’t talk to people about this in person.  It even freaks me out.

 

What are your thoughts on sperm donors? “ My god she’s crazy!”  I know. 

This is something that came up for me last year in December after an incident I can’t bring myself to write about here.  It was a serious thought then, and possibly an even more serious thought now. 

 Funny thing though, on Modamily, the first thing on the front page is “Single? Want Baby?” And I’m all “YES!” but then I’m like…”Oh, wait, I’m totally not single…”  I mean I’m not married either but still.  So just what do you do when the guy you’re with just doesn’t want it right now?  I guess the answer is wait, I know, but I don’t know if I can (long story). 

 So what then?  It is insane?  Is it something you just don’t do when you’re in a relationship?  I talked about it with him last year when I was going through some things.  Mainly the conversation went like this

“Would you still date me if I was carrying a baby from some unknown dude?” 

“Well, it’d be weird, people would think it was weird, and things would change cause instead of hanging out, you’d be doing mother things a lot.”

 An odd but valid argument, simply proving to me how much he really isn’t ready for, and completely doesn’t want kids right now.

Ok fine but I still want to spend my life with him, he just doesn’t want the responsibility of a kid, I get it…so what if it’s just mine?

 But then I took it a step further and was all “Well what if I pay you and we work up a contract so you don’t have to be responsible for anything unless you want to be and you can be the “unknown dude”, and honestly fella, I mean it.”

And he thought about it, but decided he didn’t want to be that shitty guy that dips out on responsibilities and has a kid running around somewhere that he isn’t caring for.  I get it but it was worth a shot.

 Mmh.  Never though I’d be this honest on here.  Feels good though.

In Which I Tell You What's Wrong With Me

This is important.

I'm not going to act like I'm in that deep. I'm not.  And I don't think I'd ever claim to be there even if I was.  Right now though, I'm learning.  I've had some issues most of my life that I generally shrink down to be "thinking too much."  I'm starting to very slowly come to terms with the fact that it's not just me thinking, it might be more than that but I've never really wanted to let it be known to myself or anyone else for that matter.  I still don't really but I'm taking little steps.

I get stressed out a lot.  Things will be okay, or great even and then BOOM, I'm in a hole I can't get out of.  That's a lot of what priva-blog is about, the holes I attempt to climb out of.  I've always felt so alone in there, which is what makes is so much harder.  I'm writing about this because I may have found some comfort with a friend in all this.  So maybe I can't share these thoughts with my boyfriend or friends or family but having at least that one person that gets it and can tell you what he has done to get out is huge.  I'm learning no one is perfect and that it's mostly okay that I am this way but that I should probably do something about it instead of getting so stuck like I have.

I want to be happy.  I truly do. For a while there I don't think I did.  I think I actually found something homey in my constant dissapointment and stress.  But not now.  I met this guy, and found this different kind of life and it changed me and I had a few solid months where I was furiously happy because of it.  I was so beyond content and so excited and even the bad stuff didn't bog me down like they had in the past/do now.  And I want that.  I can say I honeslty hope that can be who I am everyday sometime in my future.  That's a big thing right there.  But now as time goes on, I find things to upset me, they're valid I'd say but what's the point of worrying so much?  Normal people would say there isn't and that'd be that, but not me.  I get that one bad thought and it worms it's way into my head and grows and grows until I can't even think about anything else.  Nothing is good. Everything is doomed.  My life is so fuuuuuuucked.  That's how it goes.  Normally it all stays wrapped up in there until I can't handle it anymore and then the people closest to me have to deal with it OR something somehow breaks the spell.  But it has to be something amazing, I can't even think of anything that would do it right now, well...maybe I can but it is not to be shared.  Point is that it's so hard to get out. 

I don't want that for myself anymore, or for my relationship for that matter.  It's destructive and definately not healthy as I lose sleep, my back gets more tense than it already is and I tend to drink more...much more.

I just rambled a ton of that out which probably doesn't mean a whole lot to others but putting it out there is good for me I think.  Gives me hope that I do still want to hang on to my sanity and makes me feel like I'm trying to get past it.  At least I have a friend to not be alone with, and this is my version of "Speaking".  And that's important