Distract Me. Edit: Numb Dumb and Bummed...

I'm having the hardest time not thinking about the bullshit that's going on right now.  I'm super stressed out but don't want to be.  I need a cheer-me-up, like ice cream or something chock-full of calories and sugar. Yumm.  Someone bring me some chocolate. 
Man, I'm girly this morning.  Moody as all hell, cravings for sweets, I'd even call myself a little bitchy today.  But I have every right to be.  Everything is falling apart, my yearning for babies is becoming an overpowering issue - enough that I'm now having mind-rattling dreams about the children I've had with boyfriends from my past, now isn't that pleasant?  If that's not fucked, I don't know what is.

I hate brain today.  I almost didn't get out of bed to go to work, I just feel so numb, dumb and bummed. (I'm so changing the blog title now.)

Soooo,
I will instead bore you and myself with details on things that are distracting enough to keep my mind from all the poop that's happening.

This... 

is a picture of my very very good friend Taryn with Jenny Lawson of TheBloggess.com ! She is outstanding, even more so than I had thought possible.  I might love her, I probably do, and we've only met once.  She is someone to look up to, someone to be proud to relate to, someone to admire more than most that I know.  I'm so glad I got to meet her, truly a humbling experience. <3

Subject change:

I have another ukulele lesson today.  Music theory lesson is more like it.  I apparently don't know shit!  I'm actually somewhat of intimidated to go.  I have this kid teaching me things I apparently should already know.  I got a nice "I thought you said you knew music" last time.  Well yeah buddy, I played clarinet for 7 years, in high school, that should tell you right there that I didn't actually pay attention.  Though I regret it now.  I'm attempting to learn this chord stuff and what on earth is E minor diminished and why does it sound like crap, and what is the I IV and V chord of an Eb major scale.  My god I have no clue.  But I'm trying.  Clarinet was super easy, put your next finger down - k that's the next note on the scale, good job (me thinking "Man I'm good at this and I'm not even trying") that's all you need to know.  Learning is good though, I just wish this kid didn't make me feel like such a dumb ass.  Thanks kid.
Meanwhile, my concertina (accordion) teacher keeps telling me I'm gifted and moving along faster than most.  So what, do I have music smarts or don't I?  I guess we'll find out.
Which reminds me I need to learn how to breathe.  I used to be fine but now (maybe cause everything sucks, yes lets blame that) I just can't get enough air to hold out my notes for recording.  It's beyond frustrating cause I can do it when I'm not recording but I tense up or something and just breathe totally wrong.  I don't understand it.

Next on the list - Voice lessons. There's another 30 bucks a week to add to my already expensive classes.

Ok, now here: Link This is something that cheers me up for a few seconds every day or so. Hope it does the same for you. And here is a picture from happier times, oh how I want those times back.

Revealing

Here’s just a couple things that has been going on with me.  I can’t keep it in right now, I’m too stressed out but I’ll start with some good things.

First off, I’m really into D&D.  Judge me if you will.  I’m a nerd like none other but it’s one of those things that’s unlike anything else and is a fantastic waste of time. I’m currently involved in two campaigns.  One that’s starting now and one that’s continued from last winter.  This reminds me I have a post from priva-blog that makes me laugh.  Remind me to post that.  Anyways, I have already spent probably around 6 hours (possibly considerably more now that I think about it) trying to create my character for my upcoming campaign, and that’s just plain ridiculous.  Am I going to stop spending lots of time doing this?  Hell no, worth it.  Just a little crazy when I look at it in terms of other things I could have been doing, things that would advance my life goals and such like that.  But I have to look at it as improving my quality of life in terms of fun times (definitely not health considering how much drinking and lack of sleep goes on).  I guess I think that’s okay, and it’s friend bonding time and improves your creativity.  So there, I have justified wasting hours and hours of my time.  Good enough for me.

On a note that is productive, and also a reason I don’t feel so bad about D&D time, I have taken up the Ukulele and Concertina Accordion.  I mentioned this before I believe, but they ended up both happening at the same time. I’m okay with that.  Tuesdays I have Uke lessons at Schmitt music in Edina on lunch break, with a guy who is quite possibly younger than me.  Then Thursdays on lunch I drive to Burnsville to take lessons with the sweetest old lady - Helmi, who teaches Accordion.  She is also going to hook me up with a small piano accordion for cheap, hopefully this week.  This I’m excited about.  I’m learning a lot and the self-entertainment and satisfaction of playing a song is fantastic.  I’m thoroughly enjoying myself and though I’m spending a lot of money, it is worth it (again).  Thus me also justifying dropping a couple hundred for what others might see as a non-beneficial activity.

Lastly and the one negative thing I will write about today is the fact that I’m absolutely baby crazy right now.  I always am (really…) but it’s pretty bad right now.  Luckily my guy doesn’t read this so I can mention it here instead of being a grown up and talking to him about it (granted I have before and learned my lesson). I’m not really sure what to do right now. No matter what, I know I can’t have what I want, not for years anyways but that’s not stopping me from hoping I can.  I’m crossing my fingers like a mo-fo this is the month.  I cross those fingers every month, but this one is different.  Okay, so this is where you tell me I’m nutso, and I need to wait, and I’m not married, and it’s wrong if he doesn’t want it now.  Well trust me I know, but that doesn’t mean my feelings about it have suddenly changed.  I honestly have very little control over them.  I’ve hoped and prayed that I could be a normal girl and go through the normal motions of a relationship and that he wouldn’t have to deal with this stuff because it is irrational, I know.  But, that doesn’t make it just happen.  Some months it’s better than others but the theme is that it’s always there, no matter what.  And occasionally it comes out in the strongest of emotions that I wish would go away yet at the same time, I wish I could just get what I want.  I guess this is selfish of me, and though I’m not a selfish person on a daily level (I can say this because it’s realistically kind of bad for me), being that this is such a big thing, I suppose I am being very selfish.  I want it, despite the fact that he thinks it would ruin his life if it happened right now.  And I care about him so much but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it more, just for myself.  I think the reason for that is I have convinced myself it would be okay if he left me if it happened.  Because I want it so much.  My god that’s fucked up.  And maybe I don’t feel like that so much anymore (this is something I told him last December, when we had a flub-ub I don’t tell anyone about) because my love for him has grown from the scary-powerful thing it was even in the beginning.  But when I’m in I-need-babies mode, I definitely consider it. “It’d probably be fine if he left, I’d have a part of him forever anyways.”  But that thought, if I had a shrink, I’m sure would be frowned upon. 

So now I’m guessing you’re thinking that I’ve been trying and doing that crazy girl thing where they plan “accidents” but no.  God no, I would never be able to live with myself if I had a hand in it.  Then none of this would be okay, (is it even now?) but I don’t see why just hoping is such a big problem.  I think that’s okay.  But what I think might be very very wrong.

I went into way more detail than I expected for this blog that humans can actually read but I need to get it out, even if no one reads it.  I feel like I’ve been hiding it since last December, mostly because I can’t talk to him about it.  So it feels good to share it, even if it means nothing to you, and has the possibility of accessing people I don’t want to know this much about me. But I’m sick of hiding, so there.

I Thought I had Posted This.

This is slightly irrelevent now that it's...August. oops  but this is from my other blog (privablog) that I had wanted to transfer.

It's the Little Things

An email I sent to Daniel today regarding what to get me for christmas: Makes me smile.

Mmm Christmas…Really, I’m having a hard time with this, normally I’d be able to think of something I’d want but It’s super difficult. I don’t want things really. The only thing I can really think about that I’d thoroughly enjoy is bazaar I guess, but I’m a bazaar kind of girl. Is there any way you could get the house to yourself for an evening…not all night obviously, people live there… But I’m picturing this:

(look closely) Plus

(starry eyed as usual) Plus

Plus

Plus

I mean

Then you know…see where the night goes……………………………………………….

………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(this is a bed by the way)

Basically imagine the corniest chick flick ever produced…

Every once in awhile I can be really girly but hey, everyone needs a little romance in their life right?

Let me know what you think, I know I’m a little nuts. J

Tina

Because I'm So Happy and Have Little to Complain About...

It's been a bit and I don't often have much to say when my head is in the clouds. :)  Which is good.  But I have a few treats for you because I'm in such a good mood.

A graph of my work day on Tuesday

And my plan for Wednesday (didn't work out obviously)

Someone added Briteny Spears to my Pandora...not okay (swear it wasn't me...really I swear...)

I'm going to start a thing where I bring my Ukulele (btw I started playing the ukulele) in on Fridays to play for everyone to cheer them up and get them motivated (or really unmotivated cause that's what Friday's are for).  This is the flyer I made.

This looks normal right?  I totally attended a twins game with my co-workers, no I don't have a torso in real life and yes my legs are that short, but sexy i must say.  All the while, I was also at a River Falls Days Parade with my wonderful man item and a few of my friends...impressive I know.

My Heart Goes Out to a Friend

My friend was broken up with over the weekend, they had been a close friend-couple that we hung out with and I thoroughly enjoyed them.  They met around the same time as my Daniel and I and we’ve been on this same adventure together, I suppose you could say.  I’d seen how their relationship started, how in love he was with her (much like myself with mine) in the beginning.  I honestly don’t know what happened but I feel the struggle she’s going through.  It pulls on my heart because I know.  Not to say I’ve been in her exact situation but to not be loved back by someone, is something I have experienced and never want to again.  I hope she is okay, I hope she can pull through and maybe someday get some answers.  She deserves that.

I’m not completely sure why it’s hitting home so hard for me.  I teared up this morning thinking of her, crying alone at home just wanting him to be there and be okay.  I’m guessing it’s because I’ve experienced the darkness, the feeling of no hope and just wanting the pain to go away but knowing there’s no light for a long time.  It’s a familiar feeling. But more than that, it reminds me how much heartbreak can fuck you up.  To be honest, it scares the shit out of me to remember those emotions, because I forgot how absolutely horrible and terrifying they can be.  I’m not necessarily worried that I will go through that again anytime soon, but remembering that it’s possible, when I’m this far in, when I’m this in love.  I don’t know if “pulling through” would be that possible for me. 

I’m trying to shake my head of the thought, there’s nothing I can do but hope my friend will be okay.  And hope that she can have hope.

Mid-Summer

I’ve just had one of THE best weekends.  I’m a happy lady!

Filled with foxes, turtles, snakes, disc golf, MUSIC, lots of cool people and a wonderful boyfriend.  I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

I am thankful for who and what I have in my life.  I don’t want it to change.

<3

Here Comes The Sun do do do dooo

I feel dumb for having such short posts and so few and far between but I just need to put it on here.  I'm so ridiculously happy and this time I think it's for solid, logical, real reasons.  I feel like everything has completely changed for the better.  And considering I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow, it couldn't have come at a better time.  Confirmation that I made the right choice being where I am today.  Like everything is falling into place despite the terribly hard time I've had in the last few months.

*Crossing fingers it lasts*