Saturday, June 28, 2014

Something About Actually Living vs. Surviving

I've been doing a lot of attempting to...fix myself.  It's exhausting.  But I might actually be to a place of progress.  Before, it felt like maybe I was getting somewhere but as soon as those feelings started to creep up again, I'd find I was completely wrong and had lost control all over again, I was just "okay" for awhile. And then find myself in constant bouts of anxiety and a lot of time spent in bed.
I can't completely pinpoint when I started to feel more control over myself and my feelings and my general wellbeing but I can explain what it feels like now.
It feels like I can recognize the exact instances that will take me down, like the moment of recognition is the key to resisting the darkness.  I also feel like fully embracing the want or need to be happy is a notch on that key.  Part of me, in the past (and hopefully it stays in the past) has allowed the sorrow and pain of my life to be a place of comfort.  It's embarrassing to admit that sometimes I think I liked to be sad.  Not because I wanted attention, not because it actually felt good but because it initially was "easy", and also felt like a big part of the "me" that I thought I was.  What's kind of funny about saying it was a big part of the "me that I thought I knew", is that the way it feels now is as though she is foreign to me.  I think the separation of the girl who is depressed and the the real me is important in my steps to recovery.
What I experience now is a moment when I actually have a choice.  I actually have a good minute or so that I can decide where my emotions will take me. I can look back at that minute a week later and KNOW that had I not had the time to consciously decide to be healthy, that I would I would have been bed bound for days.
This is only the beginning but feeling I have control again is a massive step for me.
This post has no flow, but I'm going to be okay with that because...this is how my mind functions and I'm deciding to embrace it.

What I've learned and am learning in the last few months is to be kind to myself.  I've always heard you have to love yourself before you can fully love others and I'm finding there is a lot of truth to that. Since my last destructive relationship, I have found myself deeper inside myself than I knew possible.  I thought that while I was was with him I was at my worst but I think when I started to try to pull myself out, I experienced the deeper waters.  I went through, and am still going through, finding flaw upon flaw that I wanted to fix. Day after day, I kept adding to the pile until I was facing a mountain of hate for myself and the things that I had become.  Through some words of wisdom from friends and loved ones, I started to TRY to look at my positives but I can't say it helped a lot.  Until recently when what I did instead, was look at my problems in myself and figure out what about them I DO like.  I found it was easier to assess a big issue not by trying to STOP doing those things but to START doing them differently.  I am who I am.  There are going to be parts of me that don't jive with everyone nor myself sometimes but if I can modify my flaws into something I can be proud of and that others can enjoy, I can feel accomplished.

I'm learning to love myself and change my weaknesses into my strengths.  Those parts of me, after all, are my strongest, they're not to be suppressed, but modified and controlled.

The days aren't EASY.  I don't know that they ever will be.  Making the decision to WORK at being happier is hard...and it's a lot of work.  But it keeps me out of bed. It keeps me from crying my eyes out for days. Keeps me from alienating myself from my friends and lover because they won't understand.  It's a big step for me and I pray I can keep stepping this way.  I want a better Tina for the world. And more importantly for myself.

**edit** I just want to add that in embracing flaws, I've found that not everyone will be on your side.  Not everyone will be able to look at it like you do. They may try to emphasize that your flaws need to just go away. But hang on dear friend.  This is one of those things where you need to be on your side and you need to let that be enough.  You ARE enough, and it's ok to be on your own for this one.