I haven't been writing because my job is nuts, and I'm kind of homeless at the moment. After some crazy shit on the home front, I moved out of my place and am currently crashing at The Man's sister's place, cause she's sweet and helpful and one of the only pleasant things I have right now. Since then, The Man and I are fighting since it would seem I'm going to get stuck renting a place on my own for double the rent while he stays at his sisters...you know cause he's not there yet and basically living with me is the second to last thing he wants to do. The first being moving back in with his parents.
Anyways, why I'm here now. I was a few feet from a major car accident this morning, a rollover, a big, possibly deadly car accident, it hasn't hit the Internet yet. This accident in which if I had looked away for even a second, I would have been in... After this traumatizing event, all I could think about was my guy, and how I didn't say I love you back this morning because I'm upset about all this bs that's going on. I called him and apologized and told him I love him and he talked me out of my shock. What's next is the thought that I shouldn't be thinking about him after some crazy accident should I? Shouldn't I be thinking about my family and crap?
Can you ever be too in love? I think I might be, and I think it's a bad thing...ya know cause I don't get it back and I'm basically alone while in a relationship... That's probably extreme. But I wish I was more selfish, I wish I thought about me more...but I don't and I get myself hurt and screwed and I'm the only one to blame. If I could just grow some balls for myself, I wouldn't be in the place that I am...a homeless person...
Times are hard, I wish I could quit everything...maybe I should be the one to leave, pack up and just go.
Today sucks, this week sucks, the entire month of October has been a giant roller coaster...and to think we had such a great relationship early on this month...now only to be covered by a giant black cloud of disappointment and realization.
I want to go home, but I don't have one, and either way, I am alone there too.