This is important.
I'm not going to act like I'm in that deep. I'm not. And I don't think I'd ever claim to be there even if I was. Right now though, I'm learning. I've had some issues most of my life that I generally shrink down to be "thinking too much." I'm starting to very slowly come to terms with the fact that it's not just me thinking, it might be more than that but I've never really wanted to let it be known to myself or anyone else for that matter. I still don't really but I'm taking little steps.
I get stressed out a lot. Things will be okay, or great even and then BOOM, I'm in a hole I can't get out of. That's a lot of what priva-blog is about, the holes I attempt to climb out of. I've always felt so alone in there, which is what makes is so much harder. I'm writing about this because I may have found some comfort with a friend in all this. So maybe I can't share these thoughts with my boyfriend or friends or family but having at least that one person that gets it and can tell you what he has done to get out is huge. I'm learning no one is perfect and that it's mostly okay that I am this way but that I should probably do something about it instead of getting so stuck like I have.
I want to be happy. I truly do. For a while there I don't think I did. I think I actually found something homey in my constant dissapointment and stress. But not now. I met this guy, and found this different kind of life and it changed me and I had a few solid months where I was furiously happy because of it. I was so beyond content and so excited and even the bad stuff didn't bog me down like they had in the past/do now. And I want that. I can say I honeslty hope that can be who I am everyday sometime in my future. That's a big thing right there. But now as time goes on, I find things to upset me, they're valid I'd say but what's the point of worrying so much? Normal people would say there isn't and that'd be that, but not me. I get that one bad thought and it worms it's way into my head and grows and grows until I can't even think about anything else. Nothing is good. Everything is doomed. My life is so fuuuuuuucked. That's how it goes. Normally it all stays wrapped up in there until I can't handle it anymore and then the people closest to me have to deal with it OR something somehow breaks the spell. But it has to be something amazing, I can't even think of anything that would do it right now, well...maybe I can but it is not to be shared. Point is that it's so hard to get out.
I don't want that for myself anymore, or for my relationship for that matter. It's destructive and definately not healthy as I lose sleep, my back gets more tense than it already is and I tend to drink more...much more.
I just rambled a ton of that out which probably doesn't mean a whole lot to others but putting it out there is good for me I think. Gives me hope that I do still want to hang on to my sanity and makes me feel like I'm trying to get past it. At least I have a friend to not be alone with, and this is my version of "Speaking". And that's important